I have a sister out there that I have never met...

Yes it is true. I have a younger sister that I have never ever met before. The story of why is long and well it's an odd one. Some know about my past and that I have a mom that I haven't seen in almost 18 years and some don't know this. Maybe I will write about that later but right now I want to write about finding Breana and just to PRAISE GOD! I've always known that I had this sister out there. The last time I heard her sweet sweet baby voice was when she was two or three years old. That voice has always stayed with me. I have always carried a picture of her folded up in my wallet and through out the years I would get a strong feeling of wanting to know her, just simply wanting her in my life. Sometimes it was harder than others knowing that I have a sister out there and yet I don't know who she is or where she was. This is a situation in my life that I have had to let go and give it ALL to God. And trust me that wasn't always easy. Being content can be a challenge for me, just ask my husband how many times I am rearranging our living room, or that I want to completely redecorate it and change out all my old decor. Oh yeah and this all has to happen on my timing because I'm just not content with how the couch looks on that wall or that we have decorative pillows that don't all match. Every time I read about being content in the bible it hits me hard and pulls at my heart. But like the bible tell us we can do all things through Christ and with trying to find my sister God has helped me to be content with that part of my life. Over the years when I would get these strong urges searches on the internet would only lead me to well nowhere. There would be nights of staying up way too late only to be disappointed and upset by the time I would lay my head down. But the morning would always bring comfort that only God could give me. Comfort in knowing that He is in control over this situation. God has never steered me wrong. Yes there have been challenges in life and times where I don't always understand God and His ways but looking back I get it now. It is so true that He does work ALL things together for our good. This feeling of wanting to start searching for Breana again hit me hard I mean like getting hit with a ton of bricks hard a couple of weeks ago. That picture of her that I mentioned above well Riley got a hold of it and came up to me asking who it was. I didn't even know what to say to her. Do I tell her this is my sister? The only sister of mine she knows of is her Aunt Bailey. And Riley is a smart cookie at only the age of three. I knew if I said my sister she would ask more questions more questions that I wouldn't know how to answer or how to explain to her. So I just said "Oh that's a cute little baby isn't it!" and I got very lucky because she just answered back with a yeah cute and went on playing. I have often thought about when my children are older how I will explain some things in my past to them. Why on my side of the family they don't have a "GiGi" or where my mother is. Riley already understands that kids have moms and dads we will watch a movie or something and she will say "Look mommy that's your mom!". And when driving in the car she will point at birds and will say how there is a mommy bird, daddy bird, and baby birds. I want them to know when they are older and when the time is right about things in my life because I believe that the story of what happened with my mom is a testimony to God. How this happened to me but through all of this God has been there for me, He's been my strong tower and has never abandoned me. I want them to know that I did my part and I have tried to have a relationship with both my mom and sister. So that night when the kids were in bed and Ryan was off at school I started doing what I do looking everywhere on the internet with what information I had. That first night I found nothing and all I could do was pray. And as I was praying I felt like God was telling me to keep looking for her. So night 2 of searching came, we paid for a person's report and got a number only to call it and find out it belonged to someone else. Again went to bed crying and praying to God but still felt like I should keep on and to not get discouraged. Day 3 came with a great find I found the high school she attends and that she made the honor roll last year. I can't tell you how happy and excited I was to see her name listed there on the computer under the title Honor Roll. So then I found that the High School had a facebook page and well I guess this is kinda creepy and weird I started messaging A TON of people asking if they knew Breana I'm her sister trying to find her. I gave it a day and got no responses. Again feeling discouraged and wanting to give up and give it another shot in a year or two I decided to go on a long walk and I just prayed that entire time I was walking  and then I felt it His strong presence lifting me up to my feet encouraging me to keep going this time around. I went back home feeling re energized and confident. I also can't write this without mentioning my amazing husband. He has been there for me every step of the way on this hard journey and he has always been such great support. I couldn't have asked for a better more understanding partner than him. He played such a huge role also in helping me find Breana. I think it was day four of my search that Ryan told me I should just call the school and ask if I could speak to my sister. He kept saying what's the worst that could happen they just would say no you can't.  So that is exactly what I did I called and I heard her voice after all these years. Our conversation wasn't long at all in fact I think she only said 4 words because she ended up setting the phone down because she was in such shock that she had heard my voice. I can't even tell you what it feels like to hear someone's voice that you have been waiting years to hear. There are truly no words. It turns out that she never even knew for certain  that she had a sister out there, someone once had told her, but that our mother denied it. She told the school counselor that she always felt like after hearing that that she did have a sister out there and would get the urge to want to know who she was. And right when I called her she had just recently had that feeling again. If that isn't God working in ALL of this then I don't know what it is. I don't know why the time is now and it wasn't some years ago that I am now able to be in contact with her but that is God for you. His timing is sometimes very different from our own. Yes this story of my life had it's hard times, long nights, lots of tears, but it made my relationship with the Lord that much stronger. I see now why God sometimes doesn't answer all our prayers or maybe He does but when He wants to because it makes us lean more on Him and give Him all of our trust. There is nothing sweeter than trusting in Him with all your heart and watching Him deliver you the desires of your heart. I truly can't praise Him enough for what He has done and how He has worked this all together. My relationship with Breana I know is going to move very slow I'd love nothing more than to see her and hug her but that's going to have to wait. And you know what I am content with that. I am just continuing to trust God with this delicate relationship and cannot wait to see what He does with it. I'm sharing this because I hope this will help someone or encourage someone to never ever stop believing that God is working in every part of your life, He doesn't do things to purposefully hurt you or bring you pain, He does them because He wants to be close to you and for you to be close to Him. He wants nothing more then for you to give your all to Him so that whatever it is you are going through He will be all you need and He will pull you through. I hope that this little story of my life is proof of that.

^" Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

My Desire

'You want to be real 
You want to be empty inside 
You want to be someone laying down your pride 
You want to be someone someday 
Then lay it all down before the King 
You want to be whole 
You want to have purpose inside 
You want to have virtue and purify your mind 
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King 


This is my desire 
This is my return 
This is my desire to be used by you 

You want to be real 
You want to be emptied inside 
And I know my heart is to feel you near 
And I know my life 
It's to do your will 
It's to do your will 



All my life I have seen where you've taken me 
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen 
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done so I give my hands to use"

Here I go again....

I have NO idea why writing in a blog is so hard for me to keep up with. I follow them, read them, and always ALWAYS say to myself afterwards "I really want a blog, somewhere to write my thoughts and to share it with others!". And here I have had one well more than one and hardly use it. I often go to bed at night with all these thoughts occupying my brain and if some of these thoughts I'm really passionate about I will talk my husbands ear off while constantly saying to him "look at me, make eye contact, your not listening!" I even now have Riley every time she wants to talk to her dad saying "Daddy, look at me! Daddy watch me".  So here is another attempt at sticking with this whole blogging thing! Ryan and I recently made a trip to Arizona and went to one of our old church's that we attended before moving to Oregon. I have to admit I was hesitant on going because the day before was Riley's birthday party, which was a lot of work, and after that was a family dinner, I didn't get to bed until very late and was so drained the next day. But we did go and we even went back hours later for a night of worship. I am SO glad we did go because the message was what I needed it spoke to me to the point of having tears! And the night of worship was nothing short of amazing, you couldn't deny that Jesus was present in that room with all of us. It was powerful. What kept sticking out to me that Sunday morning was this verse- "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21. So simply put. And I just kept thinking how I want for people, and my children to know for certain where I am building my treasures at, because there will be my heart also.    It seems so simple, so easy, yet I was feeling convicted while listening to those words, along with the words that we are to be Jesus's hands and His feet. Those last words hit my heart hard, so hard, because I desperately want to be His hands, His feet, His everything. I want to help those who need it, love how He loves, grieve over what grieves Him, etc. etc. I desperately want and will always seek to have a heart like my Saviors and to move and go where He leads. So I couldn't help but sit there and reflect on my life and what I am doing right now. Yes I am going to church, reading the word, praying, yet there is SO much more I could do. Especially right now since I am blessed by being able to stay at home taking care of my littles. There is so much time and days were I can be His feet and His hands. And I prayed and told myself that I would be just that that I would just do more of His work and for Him to receive all the glory. I want to do this so that everyone will know when they look at my life that I am building my treasures in heaven, and that my heart is there, with Him, always. A question that I remember being asked was when do you feel most like Jesus and for me my answer has always been when I'm giving to others and helping others. I feel most like Him when I give to those who need it and those who need to know that they have a Savior who loves them deeply. I have been so excited that Ryan and I recently started our ministry to help pregnant woman and now we are wanting to open up our home to help feed the homeless. I feel so beyond good about starting to reach out and to do what we are called to do as Christians. I am so excited to start doing more of His work with my time, and for my kids to grow up in a home were church doesn't just happen on Sundays, and were they can start learning the act of giving. I'm so glad that God moved my hesitant heart that Sunday morning.

"Jesus came humbly as a servant, but He never begs us to give Him some small part of ourselves. He commands everything from His followers."

Life with our little man

Wow! It has been a very long time since my last post. I am so bad about keeping a blog. I follow and read other people's blogs and will always ALWAYS think to myself how I wish I had a cute little blog! So here is my probably fifth attempt at maintaining this thing! Life is so good right now, well, except for this very icky sinus infection I have going on... ugh! Since it's been 8 months since my last post here is an update. Wesley Cass is here and what a joy he is! I can't imagine our family without him. He has added so many more smiles, laughs, cuddles and pure happiness to all of us! It's funny because I never saw myself having a boy. When I pictured my family and kids I seriously pictured all girls. I really think my younger brother had something to do with this. I was ten when he was born and I can remember his terrible two days like like they just happened yesterday! The saying "Terrible Two's" really had nothing on him... he was well quite the little pill! Sorry Rob if you ever read this you know I love you! Then my sister came along and all the little cute girl things that came along with her! And that really added to my picture of having all girls and painting nails and doing their hair in flowers and bows! When Ryan and I found out we were having a boy we both had talks that went something like this "How do you talk to a little baby boy how do you play with him" very silly conversations I know. Our world was just so full of PINK and dresses and baby girl talk. And now our little man is here and everything just comes so naturally. I am so glad that my picture of having all girls didn't stick and that God has given me my son. I look forward to the days of doing everything that comes with having a little boy. Playing cars, teaching him sports, sword fights, etc, etc! I'm also thankful for the color change too no longer is everything pink we finally have some blue going on! Riley's little world has also changed so much and she has handled everything so well. She is already an amazing big sister. I know there will be so many moments and times in my life that she will make me so proud but for the right now nothing makes me more proud than to watch her with Wesley. She is so gentle, affectionate, loving, and caring towards him. It really melts my heart to watch her with him. She is going to be such an amazing mother someday I can already see it. When she was a baby I think this started a couple months before her first birthday... when Ryan and I would cry she would get so teary eyed and start to cry. Even now when she see's someone or us crying she gets teary eyed and will constantly ask what's wrong or please don't cry and will comfort you. She is the sweetest thing with the biggest heart. I am beyond blessed and ever so grateful that God chose me to be Wesley and Riley's mom!

Celebrating New Life!

I'll never forget getting an ultrasound for Riley and seeing her tiny body for the first time and now I will never forget seeing our second baby! It is truly amazing seeing life growing inside of you and the feeling of love that overwhelms you. I can't help but to thank God and think of how wonderful He is. I will thank Him forever for giving me my two amazing babies!